"Most rock journalism is people who can't write, interviewing people who can't talk, for people who can't read." - Frank Krappa

Tuesday, 22 February 2011

Biffy Clyro Suck

A while ago I promised a friend that I would one day explain, in full length, why it is exactly that I am definitely right in teasing him for liking Biffy Clyro. This challenge brings up important questions, namely "What makes a band good?" and "Why the hell am I friends with someone who likes Biffy Clyro?". However, answering those would be difficult, so instead I'm going to look at their top 4 videos on YouTube and explain why they suck in particular. Let us begin the most scientific exploration into popular music of all time...

Many of Horror (When We Collide)

Okay. Honestly, I do quite like the guitar at the beginning, but it doesn't come close to making up for the rest of the song, which sounds (and looks) kind of like a collaboration between Keane and Ronan Keating. I don't have much of a problem with this kind of soppy ballad pop, it does it's job well by managing to fill up iPods owned by people who don't really like music very much. My problem with this song is that I thought Biffy Clyro were an "Alternative Rock" band. They are often compared to bands like Foo Fighters and (sadly) Nirvana, and whilst I'm not against artists exploring other musical terrain, this isn't exactly Iggy Pop's The Idiot, is it?

I couldn't possibly write about why this song sucks without having a look at the lyrics, and how could I neglect to mention the beautiful line "When we collide, we come together/If we don't we'll always be apart"? Biffy Clyro should be given a gold star and a pat on the head for realising that coming together and being apart are mutually exclusive options. They really should have gotten Ronan Keating to give them a hand with this one.


Again, this song shows that they are not defunct of musical ability with a cool little guitar bit at the beginning and a very nice Mogwai-esque breakdown and build up. However, in the verse they sound like an incredibly irritating mix between Vampire Weekend and U2, and during the chorus they sound like The Script. I'm starting to think that maybe Biffy Clyro aren't really an "Alternative Rock" band after all, and that maybe they were picked up by a record label to fill the market gap created by pre-teen girls who were just too rebellious for Avril Lavigne.


Faux-epic emo-pop shite with a lame-as-hell video to match. I don't get why anyone would like this. Also, tattooed man-cleavage? Seriously? I can't bear to write more about this aural and visual catastrophe.


I realised that I was only listening songs from their newest album, Only Revolutions, up until this point, so I'm doing the honourable thing here and checking out a track from their first album. Hopefully this will negate any claims by Biffy fans that I need to hear their earlier stuff before forming an opinion. Luckily that is not the case: this is still shitty rock/pop, but now with an Americanised accent forming the cherry on top of this shit-music pie.

I do think this is better than the melodramatic boy-band-esque previous three songs. It's reminiscent of '90s grunge and indie bands that I hold close to my heart. That is until 0:23, at which point I couldn't help shouting "WHAT THE FUCK!?!?" at my monitor. Seriously, what the fuck? The chorus destroys what could have been a quite nice, badly accented Slint rip-off.


I am right: Biffy Clyro are bad. Any Biffy Clyro fans who are reading this, please refer to the below videos for a good musical bridge between the crap you listen to now and what you should be listening to.


  1. I love you for writing this. Really.

  2. Everyone can have their opinion and yours is obviously different to mine. Check out their second album though cause that joy discovery invention thing is one of their weakest off the first 3 albums. If you still don't like them after listening to more then thats up to you.
    Those videos at the bottom are pretty bad though

  3. Dude I would agree with this article whole-heartedly, if it weren't for you slating their earlier stuff. It's true that revolutions is a load of bollocks, and Joy.Discovery.Intervention happens to be a notably bad song, but the majority of the songs on their first 3 albums are fucking amazing. If they hadn't released revolutions, biffy would probably be one of my favourite bands. As it is, they've turned to shit, but that doesn't mean you should criticise their entire creative output based on a few boring songs when they have produced so many awesome tunes. Please do listen to their first 3 albums with an open mind.

  4. Did you notice that you accidentally recommended even crappier music? :D Please fix those recommendations. I almost had to vomit couple of times.
    Music blogs suck indeed but yours' barely scratching the surface of the wonderful world of music. PJ Harvey, Radiohead, Pixies, Nirvana.. really? go deep I whisper..

  5. Being a big Biffy Clyro fan, this was so hard to read. Just because you have crap taste in music doesn't mean you should insult us who do and listen to Biffy.

  6. Totally agree. Biffy Clyro suxx hard. I dislike their music and their faces. I don't see why they are touring with MUSE

  7. Blackened Sky, The Vertigo Of Bliss and Infinity Land are Biffy Clyro's Holy Trintiy. You really can't judge them if you haven't listened to them.

  8. Thanks for expressing so eloquently what I was just thinking...